


Eve

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-03-07
Updated: 2002-03-07
Packaged: 2019-05-15 16:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14793653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of theWest Wing Fanfiction Central, a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in theannouncement post.





	Eve

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Eve**

**by:** Toni Harrison 

**Category:** Drama/Angst, Sam/Ainsley,  & Donna

**Rating:** PG

**Author's Note:** This time I was too impatient to post to wait for Charlotte to beta for me...Hope I've not let you down Charlotte. Thanks this time to Star for the very kind words and the wonderful encouragement. You rock! 

Again as with parts 4 and 5 thanks to all the same people for the never ending encouragement, praise and fair and well said criticisms. You're all brilliant. A particular and heartfelt thanks to Charlotte for all your support, neverending enthuisasm and general cheerleading. You really are the best! If I've forgotten anyone I'm sorry! Right on with the fic! :)

Well, it's been seven months, 3 days and okay I'm not so sad to sit and count hours and minutes except when we're apart and yeah I count the hours then til I get to embrace him again and feel his hands over mine, anyhow as I was saying it's been 7 months and 3 days since Sam was hurt. 

It's been an odd few months, firstly the whole recovery period for Sam was long and his journey back to work seemed like it was taking forever at times, planning for a wedding day and then the miscarriage. 

Miscarriage is such an odd word, it doesn't even half convey the sadness, regret and loss that comes with it. I didn't even have the slightest sign that I had something inside of me until the night before it happened, Sam and I had been at a State Dinner, it had been a big night for him, his biggest night since he'd got back to work after the stabbing. The speech Toby and he, mainly he, wrote was perfect in every way and proved what I'd reassured him of late at night when he couldn't sleep and worried about ever giving enough of a damn again about his job again, conveying every strength the President possessed and for the King of Spain, it contained so many beautiful words and imageries. 

The Sam I witnessed after the speech and after having received a huge bear hug from the President and just about all of us, was the Sam of old. Laughing, joking, modest and happy in his work. 

6 hours later back in our bed, the stomach pains had increased to a level I didn't think possible for what I thought was a simple case of bad pork, as much as I wanted Sam to hug and help me, one look at his face peaceful and rested for the first time in so long was enough to convince me at that pain that I could handle the cramps on my own. As I somehow made it into the bathroom, my legs could suddenly no longer support my weight and I just fell on the floor. The pain that followed was unlike anything I had ever experienced and here and now hope I never experience again. 

Sam says that when he woke up and realised I wasn't in bed, he hadn't been worried and turned over again, five minutes later he was again awake and this time something told him to come to the bathroom door. 

I don't know how long I was lying on that floor, I do remember seeing the blood and I remember in my confused state of mind thinking that it was such a beautiful colour of red, I can just remember rocking back and forth and shivering as the door opened and Sam came in. All that happened after was such a blur, I just remember the terror in Sam's eyes and the way he stroked me and told me everything would be okay. 

He said I kept mumbling about bad pork and that I kept saying how sorry I was. Again he tells me this but I don't remember. 

The next thing I remember was waking up in a room alone. Perhaps this has been my problem, in all my dreams I never imagined Sam and I would ever be apart again at least not when it mattered, I always dreamt that Sam would be my knight in shining armour but now cold, alone and so scared I was in this grey, antiseptic smelling room, in a hospital I guessed but really I could have been anywhere. It didn't matter and neither did I obviously. When Sam had been ill, I'd been by his side always, he was nowhere when I needed him. 

I think I'd drifted again to sleep but as I woke up next time, he was there clutching my hand and gazing at me with all the love I used to feel so blessed with. The first conscious thing I can remember doing was pulling my hand away from his and asking him where he'd been. 

He looked confused for a moment before his face fell. Did you wake before he asked to which I didn't respond I just stared at him unblinkingly, I think I asked him what happened then, somewhere in the back of my mind I think I knew what was going on but I needed to hear the words for myself. His hands reached for mine again but I didn't want to know, I repeated my question again. 

Apparently and of course it hadn't been food poisoning, I'd lost a child, our child, no my child. Sam hadn't even known about it. I guess at that stage I was telling myself that I had known about her and that no one else had a right to mourn her. Again what happened next is a blur but five minutes later Sam had stood up from his chair and casting one hurt and scared look at me, he left the room. 

Over the next few hours, a doctor had come to see me to explain what had happened, the miscarriage was a lot more common that people probably realised she explained and particularly so in the first 12 weeks, She had been 11 weeks old when she died, 11 weeks, enough for her to grow some fingers and toes, to maybe even have a tiny nose and perhaps a heart that beat and yes she had a name. Eve. 

After several arguments with the nursing staff, 6 hours later I had gone, Sam had telephoned twice to speak to me, both times I asked them to tell him I was asleep. I know he feels that I punished him that day, in fact I think I was punishing myself. I actually believed that I was the one who had been bad, I obviously wouldn't have been a suitable mommy for Eve. I wasn't worthy of the love that this man could give me and the gentle and heartfelt promises he would surely make in the next few hard days. 

I went home, to my home, even though we were engaged, the sometime pessimist in me had persuaded me to keep my apartment for rainy days. It was a good place to try something new too. It was raining outside which was odd for a midsummer day, I should have caught a cab home but instead I walked, I still hadn't cried and the thought hadn't even crossed my mind. I don't think I actually had any thoughts at all in mind, I remember stopping off at a liquor store on the way home and something in my head warning me not to buy the bottle of scotch. 

Before you even think it, no I didn't try to kill myself, I'm Billy Hayes' daughter I don't do that sort of thing. I think that was perhaps the turning point, I simply sat in my grandmothers old rocking chair clutching the bottle of scotch rocking back and forth and rubbed my stomach talking to a child that was no longer there, apologising to her for not knowing her longer and talking about the brothers and sisters that would surely know about Eve and the place she had held in her mommy and daddy's life. As I rocked back and forth and thought of the last 17 hours of my life. I knew what I had to do and picked up the phone. 

She had arrived quickly and held me in her arms for almost an hour, we sat quietly for so long just basking in the comfort and friendship that only female best friends can share, or maybe I'm wrong, s'just I can't see Josh and Sam sitting together holding hands able to remain so quiet for so long without one or the other thinking the press better not get hold of this picture. Donna was just like my mom only younger, gentler and so much more understanding. She was everything I needed that night and she was the one that brought me to this day. 

That evening it was as though she sensed that the last thing I wanted was to talk about me, there was time for that later, that evening she talked about her life, laughing at her days with Dr Freeride but I saw much there to ask about on a night that wasn't tonight, she talked of the gratefulness she would always feel to all on the senior staff for taking her back and rescuing her life, I guess I knew how that felt and the love that she had been denying for so long and the joy, relief and the dreams that maybe weren't so fluffy and for a totally alternative universe of a life with Josh. 

I think it was as she was talking of her love for Josh that the tears finally fell, they weren't big tears, I wasn't wailing and they didn't go on for long, they were almost the best thing though, and as Donna stroked my hair and dared to talk of Sam and the fact that he had stopped by at Josh's office in the West Wing, wet, cold and so very vulnerable and his eyes had been wet with tears not just for the love of my baby, no our baby but for the loss of us. He truly believed he had lost me, those few moments I had woken first had been the moments when Sam had left to walk back with Josh and Donna to their car. 

I just hadn't given him the chance, I had wanted to punish him , I didn't want to consider that it was a reaction to stop myself thinking of the guilt I felt and the neglect of my body resulting in the death of such a small creature, our baby. 

I was exhausted by now, but insisted that Donna help me this one last time. As we drove through the rain, another feeling hit my stomach altogether, one of fear of losing someone else so prescious. As I ran up the stairs to Josh's front door, the door opened and out he stepped, we stood staring at each other in the rain for what felt like forever, I moved first and reached out to his hand, this time neither of us drew away from each other, the touch of the tips of his fingers were enough as I fell into his arms and we sobbed there in the rain on a wet July night. 

The days and weeks following that day haven't been easy, sometimes I feel that we're treading on eggshells still around each other, I snap more often, I cry a lot these days and I so easily forget that only 7 months and 3 days I almost lost a lot more than a tiny thing that hadn't even grown a full heart yet, I almost lost a person that I love and think of all the time. 

I touch my hair for what feels like the 99th time already today and as the person next to smiles and strokes my face, I'm still not sure this is the right thing to do. 

I finally step out in the September air and take a deep breath. Every doubt is coming back to me so fast now, every emotion from the last 14 months of my life seems so clear and the bad days feel like yesterday. The person who was smiling at me takes my arm and leads me inside. 

As I look at each familiar face as I move ever closer, I see CJ and Toby arm in arm, arm in arm? No please let me turn around and make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me, I see Ginger, Bonnie and Carol smiling at me, is that sympathy I can see in their eyes, I then see Charlie and Leo, Leo in particular grinning broadly, surely he's not thinking I'm insane. I then see the faces of Josh and Donna, Donna smiling so beautifully and Josh winking, they truly look so wonderful together, so well suited, and again the doubts creep in. I see so many more faces and still am forcing every step as I move closer. The faces are some that I barely know and some that I know so well, Christie, Jennifer, and Mom looking as proud as I can ever recall. 

The person next to me suddenly stops and I realise then that this is my cue to stop too and I turn to look fully at the person on my left who kisses me on the cheek and kisses my hand. I almost feel him push me lightly forward. It's time, I can run and hide again or face the future for once.... 

And I feel myself move forward to stand next to this man, oh gosh no, not this again, you can say it you know. 

'Hey Sam' I smile at the new man now on my left. 

'Ains, you're ten minutes late' he grins. 

A gentle cough disturbs us and we face forward our attention fully on the man now in front of us. 

The squeeze of the hand from Sam on my left tells me all I need to know about my decision as I concentrate on the man before us. 

'Ladies and gentlemen, we are here today to celebrate the union of man and woman and to herald the start of a long and happy life for these two people Samuel Norman Seaborn and Ainsley Grace Hayes, please be seated'................................. 


End file.
